Guilt Free KFC

So, wow.  I stumbled across an amazing recipe for chicken that tastes like KFC but BETTER AND, the best part, it's NOT deep fried!  But still crispy!  Miracle chicken?  I think yes.

If you are like me and enjoy the taste of KFC but feel disgusting after eating it because it's so greasy and full of who knows what other terrible things, prepare for your life to be changed with this simple recipe, slightly modified from this recipe.  I used three chicken breasts but definitely had enough coating materials to do double that much.

1.  Brine the chicken (skinless pieces or small breast pieces) for at least 1 hour in a mixture of 2 cups water, 1/4 cup salt, and 1/4 cup brown sugar.

2.  In a Ziploc bag, mix 2 cups flour, 1.5 tbsp pepper, 1 tbsp paprika, 2 tsp garlic powder, and 1 tsp salt (I used 1 tbsp but this proved to be too salty so I recommend cutting back to 1 tsp which is what I'll do next time).

3.  Remove the chicken pieces from the brine, pat dry, and toss in the flour mixture.

4.  Beat 2 egg whites until you get soft peaks and add 1 cup buttermilk.

5.  Remove the chicken from the flour mixture, dip in the liquid, and toss again in the flour mixture.

6.  Pour a few tbsp of oil into a baking pan or casserole dish, heat in the oven for a couple minutes on 400, then add the chicken to the pan.

7.  Since the chicken has been brined it should stay moist even if you bake it too long - so bake as long as you need to get the crispiness you desire.  My chicken was boneless skinless breasts cut into about 3 or 4 pieces each so I baked for 15 minutes on one side, then flipped and baked for about 5 minutes on the other side.  This made them pretty crispy but if we hadn't been so hungry I would have left them in longer to crisp up even more.

HONESTLY I AM NOT KIDDING, you can NOT tell that these are not deep fried.  The batter on them truly does crisp up to the point where you are tricked into thinking they've been deep fried.  But the awesome part is, they aren't greasy.

Oh man.  I love this chicken so much.  I can't believe what a few simple ingredients can do.  Try this, you may never go back to KFC again.  I sure won't.

KFC?  Is that you?

Why I am Buying a Dyson ASAP

I HATE central vac.  I never realized how much I hated it until recently, but it sucks the MOST.  (Bad vacuum pun SORRY was unintentional.)  Today while vacuuming (home alone) I actually started yelling at it, no lie. 

Reasons why central vac is annoying:

1.  It is always stored in one of the most hard to get at places in the house, like the basement or a back closet behind a bunch of stuff.  Thus half the battle of vacuuming is actually hauling the giant hose and... shaft?  what is the metal stick part called anyway out of its hiding place.  I cannot count the number of times I have dropped the metal part on my foot during this part of the process.

~1 kg of metal falling ~1 m onto my foot at 9.8 kg m/s2 = %$#$%*&%$$#

2.  Our stupid vacuum always falls apart.  The metal stick part never sticks into the hose properly so at least once or twice while vacuuming, it falls out and lands on my foot (see above).  OR our stupid hose often requires emergency first aid mid-vacuum because it falls out from the end that the metal part attaches to.  It is so high maintenance, SERIOUSLY.

3.  It NEVER reaches far enough to get where you want it to go.  NEVER.

4.  The hose ALWAYS gets stuck on things in other rooms or knocks over tables and chairs when you are trying to vacuum a room that is far away from where it plugs into the wall.  We have probably broken more than a few items in this house due to the central vac hose.  Including my sister's closet shelf which came crashing down after the hose hit it while being taken down from its storage spot in the same closet.  RIP closet shelf.

5.  To get into small places you have to change ends, which often results in the vacuum trying to suck all of your clothes off while you fumble around for a different end.  Today my sister somehow managed to get the vacuum into a position where it started sucking up her arm.  I heard screams from one room and then later she came in to inform me that Central Vac attacked her.

There are many more reasons but I think the fact that our central vac often causes us bodily harm, tries to molest us, won't allow us to have nice things including closet shelves, and falls apart every 10 minutes is grounds enough to justify spending $500 on a beautiful new Dyson.

Dyson:  I can't wait until we are together at last.  Central Vac:  it's not me, it's definitely you.

Texts From My Mom v. IV

My parents were coming into the city for a show and we were planning to go out for supper first.

Mom:  B at your house about 530 eat downtown gibsons or where do u want 2 go
Me:  Umm I don't know I feel sort of gross today so don't really want anything fried
Mom:  Tim hortons 4 soup or we dont need 2 go out
Mom:  2nd ave gri 4 soup food court at midtown 4 salad or soup
Mom:  Saigon rose maybe cause its close

And, the saga of me wanting a KitchenAid stand mixer for Christmas:

Me:  Broke my mixer making whipped shortbread.  It was $7 from Canadian Tire
Mom:  Yum ill get one 4 u today
Me:  I wish I had a stand mixer but we don't really have room.
Mom:  U dont need a kitchen aid one ill let u try mine never used the stand
Me:  Kitchenaid classic mixers on sale at Sears for $200
Mom:  Saw them yesterday they weigh a ton
Mom:  I think it made of cement haha
(Later)
Me:  Kitchenaid mixers at walmart for $180, they seem like a smaller size
Mom:  I can check it out watching a christmas movie on w channel



For more hilarity from OTHER people's texting parents, check out this site which might be the best thing on the internet:  www.whenparentstext.com

Infinite Wisdom from Cooking for Love

So for some reason tonight I stayed up a little bit later than usual and found myself watching the 90s dating show "Cooking for Love."  If you missed out on ever seeing this exceptional piece of quality television, basically it is a show where the bachelorette sits behind a wall while three bachelors cook a meal for her, while asking each other questions.  The host is SUPER awkward and says tote awkward things and nothing is funny and everyone TRIES to be funny but no one is, so basically it is a major cringe-fest the entire time.

By the end of this horrible episode I totally regretted not creating a transcript of the entire thing, because it was honestly that bad and would be so funny to read.  However I did manage to remember a few key quotes, and here they are now.  I hope I can watch a few more episodes over the holidays and pick up some more wisdom and quality relationship advice from the bachelors and bachelorettes of Cooking for Love.

Guy: "If you were a kitchen appliance, what appliance would you be and what food would you want to accompany you?"
Girl: "I would be a spoon and I would want to take a hard boiled egg gently out of the water."

Guy: "If you were an action figure, what accessories would you come with?"
Girl: "I wouldn't create anything new.  I would be Wonder Woman for obvious reasons and I would come with all the stuff she comes with."
Host: "You mean like that boomerang thing, and the rope?  I'm thinking of all the women on the island.  You know, with all the women, and the rope..."
(Girl doesn't answer because she is stupid.  She spends the whole show trying to say how confident and smart she is, but can never answer a question with an answer that shows confidence or makes sense.  Audience is dead silent.  So awkward.)

Girl: "If you could take me anywhere on a date, where would it be and why?"
Guy: "I would take you to the Bahamas and we would sit on the beach.  And I would order a pizza.  Why just a pizza you ask?  Well I would take the pizza across the street to the beach, where I would have set up a table for us.  With candles all around, surrounding the beach.  And why would I do this?  Because if I took you to the Bahamas you would be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Audience and host:  "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!" (Applause.  She picked him.)

SOMEBODY GET THIS GUY A JOB AT HALLMARK STAT

(But seriously.  His logic is so off.

IF Bahamas
         Most beautiful girl in the world
ELSE
         Not most beautiful girl in the world.  Sorry toots

)

Kid with Camera

When I was probably 6 or 7, my grandma gave me her camera which had 4 empty spots left on the roll of film and told me I could use it up.  Here are 3 of those pictures (the other is of my youngest sister swimming in a plastic Rubbermaid in the yard with no clothes on - don't think she would appreciate that one showing up here).

My grandma's backyard - why is it when you give a kid a camera, all they want to take are "scenic" pictures of stupid things like yards?

And a family picture on the front step.  I love it.  I'm so glad I cut off my parents' heads and that you can see my shadow at the bottom.

Texts From My Mom v. III

It's that time again!  Here are a few texts from a conversation I had with my mom the other day when a pipe broke at the dorms at work.

Me:  (7:00 pm)  Water main break here :(  Will have to get up at 430 tomorrow to shower since it will not be back on until late tonight.

Mom:  Oh dear me thinks it very cold there it warming up very windy from the south

Mom:  (next morning)  Did u get your shower this am

Me:  Yeah water is brown here now, can't drink it

Mom:  Dont do laundry they must have bottled water 2 drink and cook with

Me:  Need to do laundry, other people said they were doing laundry and it didn't stain the clothes

Mom:  Maybe darks orit duznt matter

DUZNT???  That's a new one.

Eggs for $1

I have mentioned before that I grew up in Humboldt.  It is a pretty small "city" (officially it's a city but to me it is definitely a small town) of around 5 or 6000 people.  I had some fun times there growing up but some pretty hard times too - when you live in a small town and you go through a tough time as most teenagers do where you don't really have any close friends/people are bullying you, it's not as if you can just pick up and switch high schools.  And sometimes it's nice to know everyone, but mostly for me it really sucked knowing everyone - when you know everyone the possibility isn't really there to always be meeting new people and making new friends.  Once you know everyone, you're sort of done.  Someone new might move to town every once in a while but it's definitely not the same as living in a city where every time you start a new job or class or club, it's a completely new experience right down to the people you share it with.

The next points don't really fit in anywhere in this "small towns suck" rant, but I'm done with that for now.  Because my parents still live in town I get to hear all the happenings of Humboldt and to be honest they are often pretty endearing... but in the way where I think awww that's cute but I'm still glad I got out of there.

I have maintained for a while that the point for me that completely sums up why I am not really into Humboldt is the fact that everyone from there seems to think that Original Joe's is the absolute BEST restaurant in Saskatoon.  Like I'm not joking.  If you're not from Saskatoon or somewhere that has one, Original Joe's is a pretty mediocre chain restaurant not too much unlike Montana's except you have to be 19 to get in.  I went a couple years ago because everyone from Humboldt kept telling me how AMAZING the food was and that every time they knew someone who was going to "the city" they would make them bring them back food from Original Joe's.  I'm not kidding.  I thought the food was okay but not good enough to drag me back, and this was even before I was into food and fine dining like I am now.  Original Joe's though.  The best food people from Humboldt have ever eaten or would ever be comfortable enough to try.  Sort of funny.  Sort of sad.

My favourite recent Humboldt story that my dad told me took place on Moonlight Madness - a Thursday night (I think they changed it to Friday this year, major scandal) during the Christmas season where all the local businesses have big sales on certain items to get everyone out and shopping.  This year Extra Foods offered eggs for $1 and butter for $2.  According to my dad, dozens of people lined up outside of Extra Foods waiting to get their cheap butter and eggs, and it was really fun.  Hahahahaha I love it.  How can that not make you sort of wish you were from a small town, maybe just for Moonlight Madness so you could wait in line for $1 eggs with the rest of the community?

Girl Ice Cream Pail

On the note of SLEEP: Round One and the state of waking up thinking something you dreamed was an amazing idea only to realize later that it was the dumbest thing ever, my sisters reminded me today of a "joke" that came to me in a dream a few years ago.  For whatever reason (which I am thankful for) it was one of the rare "dream ideas" that I actually remembered and still remember the dream vividly.

Now before I launch into this incredible joke, I have to describe how I felt during and after the dream.  I dreamed it as if I was there, but knew it was a joke, and then in the dream started thinking about how hilarious and clever the joke was.  Like seriously, it was comedy gold.  Then I woke up, went over the joke a few times in my head, agreed with my dream self that it was indeed still comedy gold, and began imagining how famous I would get and how hilarious everyone would think I was because of this joke.  It was going to change my life.  It was going to change the very face of comedy itself.

A few minutes later, I realized that the following joke wasn't exactly as humourous I initially thought.

There was a human man whose parents were both lizards.  One day they sat him down at the kitchen table.  "Son," said the lizard father, "we wanted to tell you that we are having another baby."

Because the lizards were very wrinkly, they kind of looked like old people.  "What do we want another old lady around here for?" asked the son, annoyed.

"No son," said the father, "we're not having another lizard.  We're having a GIRL ICE CREAM PAIL!!!"

Ba-dum-bum-CHING

SLEEP: Round One

You know how sometimes you think of things in a dream or when you are extremely groggy, and think it's an amazing idea for a while after waking up, and maybe sometimes even write it down, and then realize later that it was actually stupid or didn't make sense?  I love those times.  I need to start writing down more of those "ideas" because usually pretty quickly after I realize they are stupid, I forget them.

When I am at work I have to get up at 5 AM every morning so I usually go to bed around 9 so I can get in 7 or 8 hours of sleep.  The best part of this is that I often wake up between 10 and 12 to go to the bathroom, think that it's morning, check the time and realize I still have almost the entire night left for more sleeping.  It is seriously awesome.  Anyway, during one of these times last week I checked the time, saw that it was 10:15 PM, and said to myself "SLEEP:  Round One."  I don't really understand now what it means but it just popped into my head and at the time in my half-asleep state, I thought it was the actual most clever thing I'd ever thought of.  As I walked to the bathroom I kept high-fiving myself for thinking of something so smart and perfectly descriptive of waking up at 10 and realizing there are 7 more possible sleep hours ahead.  SLEEP:  Round One.  I kid you not, I started composing a blog post in my head about SLEEP:  Round One.

Then I woke up in the morning and remembered SLEEP: Round One and decided that it didn't make any sense.  Well maybe sort of sense... but not so much that it's any kind of genius phrase.

Half-asleep people are really funny.

Tripod

Where I work, there is a three-legged fox named Tripod.  He just tripods around on his three good legs with his shriveled up gimpy leg just sort of hanging there.  He used to hang out at the mine two years ago but now has migrated over to the mill, which is about 30 km away.  On three legs.  Without getting eaten.

I LOVE HIM.

An Actual Cart Full of Celery

So today I went to Sobeys to do some serious grocery shopping because last time I was home I was lazy and it was cold so I didn't get groceries and thus did not have any delicious meals all week, and it was sucky.  Just my luck, it was Dollar Days which means a lot of things that are usually between 2 and 3 or even 4 dollars are on for 1 dollar.  Allyson is a big celery fan so she had circled the $1 celery in the flyer for me.

I got to Sobeys and went straight to the produce, grabbing some pears, tomatoes, an avocado, and a pomegranate before checking out the celery... just as a mom with a toddler in the cart walked away with her ENTIRE CART FULL OF CELERY.  WTF.  AN ACTUAL CART FULL OF CELERY.

Are you kidding me?  What does a person do with a whole cart full of celery?  It's CELERY.  It's like 95% water or something.  It doesn't freeze well.  It's not possible for a mom and her toddler to eat a cart full of celery before it goes bad, nor is it part of a well balanced diet if all you eat is celery for two weeks.  I just can't imagine why anyone would need all of that celery.

She did leave one crappy bundle, with about 3 skinny stalks on it, probably so if someone came up when she was loading up her cart with ALL THE CELERY IN THE STORE and said "Hey, can you please leave some celery for me and my kids too" she could be like "There is one, see, I am not taking all if it, so there".

Needless to say I did not get any celery.

COME ON.  A WHOLE CART OF CELERY.