Saturday, February 8, 2014
It has been a long while and unless you are one of a very select few who actually subscribes via RSS, I doubt many people actually check this anymore. But anyway, this is something I have been meaning to write about for a while and I'm quite excited to share it. I have switched away from or totally given up nearly all of the commercial products I used on my body - shampoo/conditioner, facial cleanser, and deodorant, for example.
It started several months ago when I was cleaning our bathtub and finding it incredibly hard to clean. We used bar soap because body wash is expensive and I can't get behind throwing all those bottles in the trash, but it really scummed up the tub in a very short amount of time. I started researching homemade body wash recipes, then went up to work and there was coincidentally a "make your own spa products" ladies night event where we made a few products with just coconut oil, beeswax, and liquid oils. The "lotion bars" we made (just a 1:1:1 ratio of beeswax, coconut oil, and grapeseed oil) felt almost exactly like my favourite Burt's Bees lip balm and I went home excited to start making some of these products myself.
As I researched recipes further, I discovered that a lot of people out there have completely ditched commercial body cleaning/moisturizing products in favour of homemade products. Not only are they better for the environment and your body and incredibly cheap and easy to make, I was about to find out that they ran circles around most commercial products in how well they worked!
This is really long and I thought about breaking it up into a few different posts but then I got too lazy, so hopefully you don't get bored. Here are a few of the recipes/methods I've tried, and my thoughts on each:
1. Homemade Lip Balm - the one that started it all
I loosely followed this recipe, but omitted lanolin and used different essential oils. All it really is is a 2:1:1 by weight mix of liquid oil, beeswax, and coconut oil with a bit of vitamin E and essential oils. I also tried a 1:1:1 recipe of shea butter, beeswax, and coconut oil, but I found it much too waxy and better as a cuticle balm than a lip balm (I was using it on my cuticles until the cats knocked it into the nowhere place under the stove).
I ordered empty lip balm tubes off eBay for about 20 cents/tube, which brings the whopping grand total per tube of this stuff to approximately 25 cents/tube (high estimate). I have given away a lot of tubes and the feedback has been awesome. It also takes about 15 minutes total to mix, melt, pour, and clean up a batch. Definitely a winner!
2. Eliminating Hair Products
I'd heard before of people who didn't use shampoo on their hair (Brahm hasn't used shampoo in over a year himself actually, though we have very different hair types) but I had also heard that the transition period where your scalp craves shampoo and creates an excess of oil was pretty awful and I just wasn't interested in going through that with my mid-length, curly hair... until I heard that you could substitute a baking soda and vinegar wash for shampoo during that transition period!
The idea behind quitting shampoo is that most shampoos, other than the extremely expensive, "natural" shampoos you can only get a health food stores, are basically detergents that strip all of the oils from your hair and scalp, which makes your scalp crave moisture and creates even more oil than it needs to to compensate. Once you remove shampoo out of the equation your scalp doesn't create as much oil because it's not being completely stripped on a daily basis.
I followed the method outlined here with a few minor modfications, gradually increasing the number of days between BSV washes. After about a month and a half I think my hair is mostly transitioned, as I recently went a full week without a BSV wash. I think I can now safely use BSV on my hair once a week or less, and just a regular water wash whenever I shower in between.
This has been amazing. During the winter it is incredibly dry both at home and especially work (the humidity detector in my office actually dips below 0%) so my hair is always really flat and gross all winter long. However literally the first day I ditched the shampoo, the volume and curl returned to almost summer levels. And especially surprisingly, this is without the use of any mousse/gel/etc. to tame frizz. Sometimes I use a bit of coconut oil (when my hair is wet) for curl definition but I'm still not sure if I need it or not. The natural oils seem to be really all my hair needs!
I've been trying to get more friends onto this bandwagon but fear of the transition period or just general skepticism that it won't work seem to be holding people back. My sister tried it for a while but I think her very long and thick hair made it difficult to get all of the BSV out of which created a greasy texture that she didn't like, so she switched back to shampoo. I do think you need shorter hair and/or a lot of patience to successfully wait out the transition but in my opinion it's definitely worth it.
A note on this - I was in Calgary recently and tried this in my hotel, with really hard water, and it was kind of terrible. I don't know if you have really hard water if over time your hair would get used to it, or if it would be difficult to do, but what I did to combat it was use a bit of baking soda and vinegar every day instead of just once for the week. It made it a bit better but still wasn't ideal. When I got back into softened water things were happy again.
3. Coconut Oil Face/Body Wash
This one sounds crazy, I know. Washing your face with oil? Won't that make it super greasy? No my friends, it does not.
One thing to mention on this one is that it does not work for all skin types. My sister tried it and broke out quite badly, as have several bloggers who've documented trying this method. However for my oily t-zone combination skin, it works great.
The science here has something to do with your face oils being dissolved and gently removed by the coconut oil, like the shampoo method - not completely stripping all the oils off your face. What I do is spread a layer of coconut oil on my face, with extra over any spots of acne (its antibacterial properties are apparently good for getting rid of acne - anecdotally I can confirm this), and then rinse my face a few times with warm water. All of the oil does NOT need to be washed off at the end, and when I pat my face dry anything extra usually just absorbs into my skin. It's definitely not greasy and sometimes even a little dry feeling.
Since I started this about a month and a half ago my skin is much less oily than it was and much less acne prone. Prior to this I was using an acne cleanser and a moisturizer morning and night, now all I use is the coconut oil.
At our spa products night at work we made a coconut oil/sugar body scrub which I sometimes use when I shower at work in place of soap. I don't use it at home because it makes the tub floor slippery - at work we all wear shower shoes so it's less of a slipping hazard. But it works great and not having to moisturize after showering is a big time saver too!
4. Castile Soap and Coconut Milk Body Wash
There are a lot of different recipes out there and I still might try a couple different ones to find one I like best, but this one is the first I tried and off the bat I completely hated it, but didn't want to waste it by dumping it. It felt... greasy, and I had to use a lot because it washed away really fast. It didn't foam up easily like regular soap. But then I started getting used to it and learned to love it.
Pretty much all homemade body wash recipes use castile soap as a base, which is a type of soap with very limited ingredients - just vegetable/fruit oils and lye. The foaming agents in most commercial soaps are apparently also what really dries out your skin. This recipe is basically a mix of castile soap, coconut milk, and glycerin (to bring some suds back).
Like I said, it was pretty weird to use at first, when you are used to a lot of foam in your soap as well as equating the feeling of being clean with your skin being completely stripped of all its oils. This is a very moisturizing body wash and your skin feels a little greasy after using it, but once you get out of the shower and dry off you just feel moisturized and clean. Once I got over that, I started noticing that my skin wasn't as itchy and oily by the end of the day as it usually was, because I wasn't drying it out in the morning when I showered.
5. Homemade Body Butter
I can't remember if I found an exact recipe or modified this one and others like it, but I measure out (by weight) a ratio of 1:1:2 coconut oil, shea butter, and liquid oil (I use sunflower). I melt them down, let them begin to solidify in the freezer, add a bit of vitamin E and essential oils, and whip with a hand mixer until it's approximately tripled in volume.
This was another weird one to get used to but I LOVE IT. It's very melty so ideally needs to be kept in a cooler room/spot (by a window in winter is good, if you put it in the fridge it solidifies too much I find), or could also reduce the amount of liquid oil to suit your climate. But it keeps my skin moisturized all day long, whereas commercial lotions and body butters seem to work for a couple hours but by the end of the day I'm often scratching white lines into my dry arms or legs again. Not with this stuff! Put it on in the morning and my skin is still extremely soft in the evening.
Because it is straight up oils and butters, it is greasy going on but absorbs in fast. I find it really great for when my hands are extra dry, like after a flight.
6. Homemade Deodorant
WOW. I have been blown away by all of the above swaps but this one might take the cake. As teen I was pretty sweaty, not sure if it was because of some social anxiety issues I had or just how my body worked, but I was always on the lookout for a stronger antiperspirant. My body seemed to finally work itself out in my early 20s and I didn't sweat as much but I continued to use Dove antiperspirant, which is one of the strongest non-over-the-counter ones out there. I'd always heard that the aluminum product in antiperspirant was conclusively linked to cancer but I kept using it anyway. Then I read about how the natural product bloggers loved their 3-ingredient homemade deodorant, and that it actually made them sweat less than antiperspirant, so I decided to give it a shot.
I loosely followed the second recipe on this blog (subbed cornstarch for arrowroot) and just mixed up a tiny amount in a Ziploc bag, and apply with my fingers. I didn't want to make a huge batch in case it didn't work but it turns out it works incredibly well and my "tiny" batch will probably last a month or more, for mere pennies.
LOVE LOVE LOVE. I absolutely sweat less. I do not stink whatsoever, even when I do sweat. With antiperspirant I often found myself reapplying once or twice a day, and having to scrape off thick layers of it with my fingernails in the shower (sorry, gross). And being really itchy, even though Dove was supposedly the most moisturizing antiperspirant on the market. All of those problems have been completely eliminated.
I think that's about it at the moment. I also tried a toothpaste recipe but didn't like it, though the natural product bloggers sure rave about their homemade toothpaste so I'm going to give it another shot and add a lot more flavouring/sweetener to mask the salty baking soda taste. I did like how it made my teeth feel but it was just too gross tasting.
I'd highly recommend trying some or any of these things! They may not work for all skin or hair types, but really you have nothing to lose by trying them out, and the overhead costs are very minimal. My skin and hair are now both so happy, and not having to spend a couple hundred bucks a year on all of these products will be fairly significant over time.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
We got KITTENS about a month ago! I have never had a good pet before (only things like gerbils, turtles, and the most exciting one that wasn't actually exciting: a hedgehog) so I have just been blown away over the last month at how much you can actually like a good pet (e.g. a cat or dog). They are the greatest little things even though they are sometimes bad and ALWAYS want to touch your technology when you're trying to do something important:
They are also fun to mess with:
We named the orange/brown one Biter and the black one Jaypeg, because if you have known us for any length of time we have been wanting to name a pet (or someone to name their baby, preferably) Jaypeg for a long time. And it finally happened!
My mom doesn't like the names so she decided to rename Biter "Jangles" and Jaypeg "Mittens." This led to maybe the best Text from my Mom of all time the other day. She asked how the cats were doing and I said that they had destroyed the strings on a bunnyhug (HOODIE FOR THE JERKS) that Brahm had left out on the stairs. She replied:
"Haha they were prob hmmm whats this said the black cat them she told the jangles cat that its their own fault if brahm left a toy for them"
"And it gets wrecked Haha"
They are so bad! But we love them.
Friday, August 23, 2013
I have mentioned many times on here that I read a lot of food blogs and I would rate myself as an above-average cook. I'm pretty good at improvisational cooking and baking and as a result often stray from the recipe (sometimes which doesn't work out to my benefit). I generally know where the line gets crossed with "substitutions" for ingredients though and one thing that annoys me to no end in comments on recipes is stupid substitution questions.
There are a few different types of stupid substitution questions, which I will now outline and provide examples (not taken from any specific site but I swear are not exaggerations of actual questions I have seen).
QUESTION THE FIRST: Totes Obvs Substitutions
This is when someone asks if they can use something that is BASICALLY THE EXACT SAME THING and if it will mess up a recipe. I know that some people are new to cooking but seriously come on.
"I do not have butter, can I use margarine?"
"These cupcakes are supposed to be topped with unsweetened shredded coconut but all I can find is sweetened dessicated coconut! Help!???!!!"
"I love bumbleberry pie but I don't have any blackberries, can I just use the raspberries and blueberries and if so how many more of these should I use to make up for the blackberries?"
"I don't like lemon flavoured icing so can I top these vanilla cupcakes with chocolate icing instead?"
PEOPLE just use some common sense here. If the thing you are substituting has the same function and taste (if required) as the original ingredient you are going to be fairly safe.
QUESTION TWO: Healthful Substitutions
It kind of drives me nuts when people comment on a CLEARLY indulgent dessert and ask about making substitutions (or omissions) to make it healthier. NO. In this case please keep moving and find a different recipe.
"I am wondering if anyone has tried making this recipe using only 1 cup of honey instead of 4 cups of sugar, because I am really against refined sugar. have you guys seen the documentary about sugar slavery, also it is usually not organic"
"I would like to make this recipe for buttercream icing fat free because I am on a diet. Can I replace the butter with applesauce?"
"Egg yolks are basically poison, can I make this custard with egg whites instead of yolks?"
"Wondering if I could make these macarons using whole grain flour and brown sugar instead of icing sugar and nuts as I am allergic to nuts." (THIS WAS AN ACTUAL QUESTION I SAW ONCE OMG.)
Alright people listen up. One of the first things you get taught in home economics class is that ingredients have functions. Fat (butter, oil, etc.) is needed for moisture and tenderizing (want tough, dry muffins, go ahead and replace all the butter with applesauce and see how well that turns out for you, but at least it is healthy right). Sugar contributes moisture and browning and replacing it with some other sweetener that has a different structure is a big gamble. And egg whites vs. yolks are not even the same thing at ALL, I feel like that one should be especially obvious.
ALSO don't try to shame everyone else about using butter and sugar just because you are against them.
The moral of the story here is that if you want to make a sinful recipe healthier, instead of trying to make it healthy yourself with stupid substitutions just Google around for a healthier version of the same-ish thing and also don't be a douchebag about your organic-only diet or whatever.
QUESTION THREE: Gluten Free???
This is similar to Question Two but I feel like it deserves its own section because people are so dumb about this. STOP asking the person who posted their delicious recipe to rewrite their gluten-reliant recipe without gluten! It's not the same thing! Just Google around for a gluten-free version.
"This carrot cake sounds amazing. Can I substitute chickpeas and black beans for all of the flour?"
"I have been looking forever for a recipe for baguettes and this one looks great! What could I substitute to make this recipe gluten-free and still have it turn out the same?"
Quit it, everyone. Once again, ingredients have functions. You can't just magically substitute beans for flour and keep everything else the same and expect it to turn out. If you were building a house would you just substitute water noodles for boards because you are against the logging industry and hope for the best? NO, so stop doing it with food.
BONUS: Not a question but still annoying
The other annoying thing people do with regards to substitutions on the internet is when they are rating a recipe on a site like Allrecipes or Food.com, they give it 5 stars and then in their review basically post a brand new recipe with all the changes they made. People do this ALL THE TIME and it is pointless. Rate the recipe as is so people know which recipe you are actually rating.
"This recipe was way too salty, so the second time I made it I cut the salt down to 1/4 tsp from 2 tbsp, added 3 onions, completely omitted the chicken stock, added 2 tsp of soy sauce and 2 tsp of teriyaki sauce and also did not use celery or tomatoes. Turned out great, 5 stars for my version"
"I made this cake gluten free and healthy by omitting the flour, using 2 cans of pureed chickpeas, replacing the sugar with agave nectar (1/3 cup instead of 2 cups of sugar), 2 extra tsp of baking soda, and replaced half of the butter with applesauce. I also made it vanilla instead of chocolate by adding 1 tbsp of vanilla and omitting the 1/2 cup of cocoa and also omitting the chocolate chips. Thanks so much for the amazing recipe, 5 stars."
These are not helpful ratings! When I see a highly rated recipe I want to know if THAT recipe is highly rated, not your completely different recipe with the same name.
I don't really know what to say to end this post other than if you are one of these people who doesn't understand recipe substitutions, spend a few minutes educating yourself on ingredient functions (here is a good page to get your feet wet). A really good book that explains everything you ever wanted to know about cooking and baking is The Science of Good Cooking by America's Test Kitchen. We bought this book a few months ago and it is hands down the most valuable cooking resource we own.
DO RESEARCH so you don't have to post dumb comments, everyone!
Monday, August 12, 2013
When I was a kid my grandparents used to make an amazing beet borscht. If you are the kind of person who thinks beet borscht should basically just be beets and maybe onions or something and only the teensiest smattering of dill, go home now please. Sometimes at work there is beet borscht and everyone is all "this is just the deadliest beet borscht ever" and I'm like "you guys, no" because you haven't had beet borscht until you've had the kind that uses the whole beet and also ALL THE VEGETABLES. And no meat, please. Let the vegetables shine on their own.
My grandma stopped making borscht a few years ago because it is too much work for her to tackle anymore so I've been getting my borscht fix from the Farmers' Market - one of the vendors makes a good one that is pretty close to what I remember eating and loving as a kid.
We got a bag of beets in our latest PayDirt Farms CSA box and Brahm said "we should make borscht" and by "we" he meant "Robyn". My mom had a couple of different recipes from an old Ukranian cookbook that she said she thought was close to what my grandparents used, but just to try and combine the recipes and use trial and error.
These instructions might sound daunting to some ("sort of combine these two recipes and use trial and error") but I consider myself to be a fairly talented soup-maker so I gave it a shot. And it WORKED.
I wasn't totally sure what was going to happen but as soon as I tried the first spoonful out of the stock pot and the familiar flavour I had been missing for so long came back to me, it was possibly the highlight of my week.
Knowing you can create something that you thought might be lost forever is kind of amazing.
And now, the recipe for the ultimate beet borscht. Try this and you'll never go back to your wimpy "beets only" borscht.
Please note that quantities are EXTREMELY APPROXIMATE.
1 large onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, pressed
1/2 head cabbage, shredded
10 cups of weak chicken stock (or 5 cups water, 5 cups regular strength stock)
~15 young (small) beets, including leaves and stems (not optional)
- Chop the beets, stems, and leaves but keep each section separate
4 carrots, chopped small
~1/2 cup fresh peas
1 lb green or yellow beans, cut into bite sized lengths
1 can navy beans, drained and rinsed (I forgot to include these but good idea for protein)
~1/2 cup of fresh dill, chopped but not too small (or even more if you want but don't skimp on the dill)
~1.5 cups of diced tomatoes (canned is okay)
Heat oil in a large stockpot and add onions and garlic. Cook for about 3 minutes, add the cabbage and stir until cabbage is starting to get cooked. Add the water/stock and bring to a boil. Add beets, turn heat down to medium-high. After about 5 minutes, add the carrots. After another 5 minutes, add the beans, peas, potatoes, beet stems, and tomatoes. When the potatoes are basically done, add the dill and beet leaves. Cook for a few more minutes until everything you try is cooked through. Salt and pepper to taste if desired. This makes about 4-5 litres of soup.
As long as you understand cooking times and stuff, you really can't go wrong. Use the whole beet and use a ton of dill and dump in every vegetable you can find and you'll have yourself a bowl of amazing beet borscht. The cooking time of this soup was really quick but the prep (working alone) took a couple hours. Worth it though!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
If you have ever started seedlings indoors, you may be familiar with the concept of "hardening off" the plants. Or maybe not. Hardening off means basically "training" the plants to live outside, by doing small things like brushing the baby plants with your fingers to simulate wind and encourage strong stems, putting them outside for a bit longer every day, etc.
The first year I planted tomatoes I did zero hardening off. I just planted them outside on a warm day and they all did splendidly. Last year I did some hardening off but quite honestly it didn't seem to make a difference.
This was the year of XTREME hardening off.
I accidentally started my tomatoes almost a month late, at the end of April. Once the seedlings were about 2 weeks old and the sun was getting too high in the sky to really provide much light into my kitchen window, I decided to do an experiment. I put them in a mini-greenhouse (basically just a metal frame with a clear tarp overtop), inside which pretty much all of the plants got scorched and a few completely burned to a crisp. Okay, 2 down.
Within about a week it got too hot to even have a greenhouse at all so I just started leaving them outside 24/7. It wasn't freezing anymore and even if it got a bit too cold, this was going to be the tomato year for survival of the fittest.
Nobody froze thankfully, however they did all blow out into the yard during a particularly windy day and another couple of plants were lost.
After I potted them into their grownup homes, it rained HARD for pretty much a solid week and ended with a magnificent hailstorm. I sat in my living room, helpless, as they got pummeled. After the storm I went outside and discovered that while they were all quite mangled, nobody had died. And a week later, those mangled plants had developed ridiculously thick, strong stems and branches, at least tripling in size.
I was discussing my accidental method of hardening off with a plant scientist friend, who confirmed the hardening off myth: "I have always figured if they aren't tough enough to handle the elements, I don't want them anyway."
So there you go, Saskatchewan home gardeners. My XTREME hardening experiment of 2013 has appeared to be very successful. Don't be afraid to throw those babies outside in a thunderstorm; it'll only make them stronger.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I love quiet people. I am a quiet person and I can tell you from experience that quiet people are often misjudged. I think I even misjudged quiet people including myself until I read Quiet (which I will say once again was life changing and should be required reading for all humans) but it turns out that quiet people are the best.
Quiet people are not necessarily shy, they just don't feel the need to talk all the time. Because think about it, most of the people you know who are loud really only need to say about 1/3 of the stuff they say (if that). The rest is fluff, and sometimes fluff can get annoying. Nothing drives me crazier than being in a meeting with a person who keeps reiterating the same point over and over and over and wasting my time.
What can you say to annoy and insult a quiet person? "Why don't you TALK MORE?" Please. Would it be socially acceptable for me to say to you "Do you EVER shut up?" Listen up, loud people: quiet people will talk when we feel it's important to do so. Otherwise, we don't feel the need to contribute to the fluff. We just want to get this meeting over with so we can get back to work. We're not dumb, we just don't have any questions at this current time. If one comes to us we'll ask you later, because asking in front of this group of 30 people would be a waste of time when it doesn't pertain to everyone here in the first place.
I'm always mildly insulted when someone comments how surprised they were that I "spoke up." "But you're so quiet!" they say incredulously. PEOPLE. Quiet people are not doormats! Let me say one more time, we just don't feel like talking all the time and the amount of talking a person does has absolutely zero correlation to their intelligence, assertiveness, or courage to speak their mind.
I think my favourite thing about quiet people is our ability to shut down an obnoxious situation without saying a word. I've witnessed many a loud person annoyingly trying to get a rise out of a quiet person who barely responds, at which point the loud person sees that the situation is futile and backs off, embarrassed. This past week some annoying loud dude I'd never met before came into my office asking for help with something, while trying to flirt with me and tease me. Over the course of 3 minutes he called me a "f*ckin' liar" and "extremely unhelpful" among other things to try and get a rise out of me, but I just ignored all of his comments, acted like nothing weird was happening, and as he left he sheepishly said "I was just joking, you were very helpful, thank you."
Before fully accepting and embracing my quietness (and even in my daydreams now) I wanted to be the girl who was super quick on her feet and could come up with an immediate snide comeback to obnoxious jerks like the one described above. And even telling people this and similar stories, they always suggest things I could have said, because doesn't not responding mean I was okay with the situation? No. Wrong. My not responding made the situation super awkward and made the guy feel like a jerk, which was exactly the outcome I wanted. I didn't achieve it through a snappy comeback, but I still achieved it. And I guarantee he'll never try it again.
Maybe there is such a thing as "too quiet" but I bet most of the people you think are too quiet actually aren't. Stop and appreciate the quiet people in your life. Watch them work their quiet magic on all the loud assholes who try to walk all over them or get a rise out of them. Be glad that they aren't wasting your time talking just to hear their own voice. Don't be surprised when they express their opinion, expect it. And please, please never again ask a quiet person "Why are you so QUIET?"
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Me: So I have a new great idea. I am going to start calling getting gas in my car "doing work on my car". Then people will think I'm so cool because I know how to work on cars.
Megan: But what if they ask you to elaborate?
Me: Then I'll say "just some routine maintenance, topped up some fluids."
Megan: And if they ask what fluids?
Me: Then I will say "gasoline" and they will realize how funny I am.
Megan: You're right, this is truly a win-win situation. Either people are impressed that you know about cars, or end up thinking you're funny.
YOU GUYS I am so funny. I can't believe that I have not been approached to write a comedy pilot or something by now.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
I have a math degree. I'm not really sure why as it doesn't do me much good but I took so many math classes and so many extra electives in university on my way to my engineering degree that I just turned the rest into a math degree for some extra street cred.
Here is really the only useful part of having a math degree:
(Set the scene: Me buying tickets for food and drinks.)
Me: I will take 6 tickets please.
Seller: Okay, so at $2 each that's uh... uh... I'm so braindead today...
Me: 12 bucks.
(I hand him a 20 dollar bill.)
Seller: Okay so I owe you uh... hmm... sorry, so out of it...
Me: 8 bucks.
Seller: I'm so sorry, I don't know what's with me today.
Me: Don't feel bad, I have a math degree.
Granted, these little exchanges would me more hilarious if the other person realized I was making a joke. But I'll take what I can get. Thanks math degree!
Monday, June 3, 2013
It has been nearly a year since I watched Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, but because I have blogged reviews of the first two Transformers movies I need to finish this off. Let it be known that my review of Transformers 2 is my second most popular blog post of all time, however the reason it is so popular is that people are looking for that picture of Megan Fox having sex with a motorcycle.
Here is something funny about Transformers 3: I couldn't remember the plot, because I watched it a year ago. That is not the funny part though. The funny part is that I looked up the plot on Wikipedia right now and got so bored/confused reading it that I am actually worse off for plot memory than I was before I tried to read the plot summary. OOPS that's what you get for trying to do research on a Michael Bay movie I guess!
So let's get this over with. I don't really know much about the plot of this movie but let's just dive in.
Here is one thing I do know about this movie though: the moon landing was actually a mission to have a look at some Decepticons and/or Transformers (I don't remember and/or care) that landed there. They landed on the dark SIDE of the moon. OMG, I just remembered the worst/best thing about this movie. The TITLE is supposed to be "Dark Side of the Moon", not "Dark of the Moon", but likely due to the fact that Dark Side of the Moon is already a thing, they couldn't use it, so they just removed the word "Side" from the title and figured everyone would catch on.
But "Dark of the Moon" does NOT have the same meaning of "Dark Side of the Moon." Not even close. The space robots were on the dark side of the moon. Not the dark of the moon. That doesn't make sense! It doesn't.
"Michael Bay! The final edits for the movie are due in 5 minutes and it turns out we are getting sued by Pink Floyd for using Dark Side of the Moon as a title! They said you are the worst and don't want to be associated in any way with this movie!"
"OOPS LOL just take the one word out I guess, too late to change the dialogue so any of it makes sense! My bad you guys! Shia, as always, excellent job of acting, this script really lets your talent shine. I am just blown away that my 14 year old nephew wrote something this good in only half an hour!"
Okay so there were transformers on the moon, and then I think they brought them back to Earth, and then there were lots of robot fights. That is the gist of the plot, and that's all I'm going to say about the plot because it was so boring. Let's instead delve into some character studies.
While I applaud this movie for not being nearly as horrifically sexist as Transformers 2, Shia LeBleaghusf still somehow keeps getting these hot girlfriends who don't understand what appropriate attire is for various emergency situations. Such as his new Australian girlfriend (I think? Or was she British? I can't remember but probably Australian since there was a hot blonde Australian in the first movie too and Michael Bay doesn't seem to know that there are more than 3 types of women) who thinks that when you are running away from giant space robots that you should wear stiletto heels. Like, I am totes cool with it if you want to wear stiletto heels through life; that is your choice and while I would personally not make that choice myself, power to you. However I just would like to say that it is a universally bad idea to wear stilettos if you are trying to run away from giant space robots.
Here are some alternate options for if you are trying to run away from giant space robots, but find yourself wearing stiletto heels:
- Take them off and run in your bare feet
- Carry the heels with you
- Throw the heels away so they don't burden you
- There are not really any other smart options. You should take them off so you don't roll an ankle while you are running, or get the heel caught in a crack on the sidewalk.
I am pretty sure Patrick Dempsey was like "YES, this is totally going to be my BREAKOUT ROLE into action! No one will ever typecast me as a dreamy doctor again after my brilliant turn as an evil villain in the masterpiece that is Transformers 3: Dark Side of the Moon! What's that, Michael Bay? We're removing 'side' from the title?"
Another interesting character development is that Shia LeBeaoghfsifh is a giant loser in this movie (more so than the first two I mean). He can't find a job and he really sucks at job interviews (he should probably have gone to a career counselor to pick up some interview tips) and he's all "Barack Obama gave me a medal of honour and all I do is whine about it! Give me a job please because I have a car who is actually a space robot! I will settle for nothing less than CEO!" Ladies, we all know that if we met a guy like this we would run away and never look back. According to the
Well, that's about all I can remember about this terrible movie. I also believe that it was over 3 hours long and we had to watch it on two different days because it got too late at night and too boring to watch in one sitting. If this review seemed unstructured and all over the place, it's because that's what the movie was like too. Watching it was like "Okay robots are fighting again, what else is new, why is that girl wearing stilettos, OMG PATRICK DEMPSEY IS A BAD GUY HAHAHAHAHA" and that is why my review was similar.
Longtime readers, I hope you have enjoyed my trilogy of Transformers reviews. Now let us never speak of these terrible movies again.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Me: People keep asking me "How's married life?" and it's always awkward because I'm like "Good? Nice?" I don't know what they want me to say. It's such a weird question!
Brahm meanwhile had just taken all the dishes that I put in the dishwasher out and was putting them back in in a more orderly fashion.
Brahm: Next time you get asked that you can tell them that your husband thinks you are physically incapable of loading a dishwasher.