So for some reason tonight I stayed up a little bit later than usual and found myself watching the 90s dating show "Cooking for Love." If you missed out on ever seeing this exceptional piece of quality television, basically it is a show where the bachelorette sits behind a wall while three bachelors cook a meal for her, while asking each other questions. The host is SUPER awkward and says tote awkward things and nothing is funny and everyone TRIES to be funny but no one is, so basically it is a major cringe-fest the entire time.
By the end of this horrible episode I totally regretted not creating a transcript of the entire thing, because it was honestly that bad and would be so funny to read. However I did manage to remember a few key quotes, and here they are now. I hope I can watch a few more episodes over the holidays and pick up some more wisdom and quality relationship advice from the bachelors and bachelorettes of Cooking for Love.
Guy: "If you were a kitchen appliance, what appliance would you be and what food would you want to accompany you?"
Girl: "I would be a spoon and I would want to take a hard boiled egg gently out of the water."
Guy: "If you were an action figure, what accessories would you come with?"
Girl: "I wouldn't create anything new. I would be Wonder Woman for obvious reasons and I would come with all the stuff she comes with."
Host: "You mean like that boomerang thing, and the rope? I'm thinking of all the women on the island. You know, with all the women, and the rope..."
(Girl doesn't answer because she is stupid. She spends the whole show trying to say how confident and smart she is, but can never answer a question with an answer that shows confidence or makes sense. Audience is dead silent. So awkward.)
Girl: "If you could take me anywhere on a date, where would it be and why?"
Guy: "I would take you to the Bahamas and we would sit on the beach. And I would order a pizza. Why just a pizza you ask? Well I would take the pizza across the street to the beach, where I would have set up a table for us. With candles all around, surrounding the beach. And why would I do this? Because if I took you to the Bahamas you would be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Audience and host: "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!" (Applause. She picked him.)
SOMEBODY GET THIS GUY A JOB AT HALLMARK STAT
(But seriously. His logic is so off.
Most beautiful girl in the world
Not most beautiful girl in the world. Sorry toots