Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Transformers 2: Bumblebee Goes to College

After enjoying Transformers 1 SO MUCH my friend Sherri and I decided, after hearing that Transformers 2:  Revenge of the Fallen was possibly one of the most racist and sexist movies ever, that we had to watch it.

Before going over to Sherri's to watch Transformers 2, my sisters were watching The Bachelorette at my house, so I sat down and checked it out for a few minutes while I was waiting to leave.  "Ah, I see this season is just another pinnacle of diversity" I observed.  This season's bachelorette is blonde, skinny, and innocent-looking, while all the bachelors vying for her hand in marriage (that show is so bizarre) look like douchy white surfer dudes who spend hours at the gym and wear way too tight of shirts.  Not a person of colour in sight.

And Transformers 2, we were not surprised to find out, was basically as diverse as The Bachelorette, except for the one token black military guy played by Tyrese Gibson (HAHAHA Tyrese's last name finally comes out, and it is something super lame like "Gibson" - the end credits were the funniest part of the movie).  He didn't really have any important lines though and didn't actually do anything to advance the plot - I guess he was just supposed to stand around, shoot a gun, and look black.

Although, at least the fact that he was in the military and seemed to be relatively high-ranked subliminally suggests that the one black character was capable of doing important things and not a stereotype (unlike the two Jar-Jar Binks-esque "twin" Autobots who we couldn't decide if they were supposed to be stereotypically black or stereotypically gay or both, but either way they just seemed to be extremely annoying and offensive).  So while Tyrese Gibson (hahaha) was quite obviously a "token black guy" at least his character was boring enough to not end up becoming a super offensive stereotype.

Because EVERY female character (with more than one line) was an insanely offensive stereotype.  Just mind-blowingly so.  Let's discuss.

Megan Fox's character, I have to say, maybe goes down as one of the worst female characters in recent movie history.  The worst part of her character is that she's supposed to not be a terrible stereotyped damsel-in-distress, but she totally is.  Just because she can fix cars and stuff doesn't mean that suddenly makes her a non-stereotype!  Because COME ON, this is not appropriate personal protective equipment for working in a garage:

THIS is appropriate PPE for working in a garage (except not the shoes, WTF internet?????):

Megan Fox's insanely sexy, car-fixing, baby-voiced, submissive girlfriend (Megan:  "I'm breaking up with you Shia LeBleoughff" Shia:  "No you're not baby"  Megan:  "Okay lol I'm coming over soon and hopefully you tell me you love me because I won't say it first because I'm sooooo coy") character does not exist as a real person in real life, but she exists a lot in movies, and that's why she's a stereotype.

The other two female characters, who I hated almost as much as Megan Fox's character, were Shia LeBleoghaf"s STUPID STUPID DUMB IDIOT mom (worst movie mom of all time, hands-down) and this ultra-sexy college girl who (SPOILER ALERT) tried to RAPE Shia LeBleoughsf but then turned out to be a Deceptibot or whatever, OMG I was so offended, you have no idea.  The mom character was so dumb and stupid and didn't know ANYTHING and her husband had to chase her down all the time and be like "now honey, don't do that" because she was so dumb I have no idea how she made it to adulthood without getting herself killed from being so stupid (I guess that's what husbands are for LOL AMIRIGHT GUYS).  I'm glad at least that the sexy Decepticon turned out to be a Transformer because that sort of redeems her for trying to seduce Shia LeBeef so aggressively - NOT that I'm saying women are supposed to be submissive and not be seducing people but I hate the stereotype that all "college girls" have zero morals and are constantly trying to get guys to cheat on their girlfriends with them and it's NOT okay to rape people!!!  No matter what your gender.

ALSO the female Dean of the university was sitting in on Dwight Schrute's Astronomy 101 class while Dwight was being a MASSIVE perv to all the female students, who really seemed to enjoy it (after all, they are COLLEGE GIRLS), and the Dean didn't even say anything?  Come on, Dean.  Do some Deaning.  To get to your position you've obviously had to push through a lot of sexism, please teach your female students that it's not okay to be treated like that so they might become Deans someday too.

Although, terrible sexism and racism aside, we did find that the plot of this Transformers was easier to follow than the plot of the first Transformers.  Like, we didn't have to rewind the ending 3 times to try to figure out what happened.  Don't get me wrong though, it was still a TERRIBLE movie filled with leg-humping by small animals and Transformers (ew so uncomfortable) and a LOT of scrotum jokes, which did seem to imply that the movie was written by Michael Bay's 14 year old nephew or something.  But the weird thing about this movie is that critics and fans all agree (and Michael Bay too) that this one was wayyyyy worse than the first one.

Um, are you guys sure you saw the first one?  Because it was actually so terrible too.  I think what happened was that people were so excited and hyped for the first Transformers that they wanted to like it, and thought it was better than it really was.  Then when the second one came out they weren't as excited so they were like "oh... this actually sucks" but it was too late to change their reviews of the first one, which sucked just as much, and maybe slightly more plot-wise.

But anyway, my biggest wish for this movie was that they had called it Transformers 2:  Bumblebee Goes to College.  That would have been awesome.

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