Monday, July 18, 2011

Airport Douchebags

Ever since I heard this Louis CK bit (fast forward to the 2 minute mark if you are impatient, but the whole thing is great):

I have tried to be more appreciative of the miracle of flight.  I fly a lot (it's how I commute to work every shift) on pretty tiny planes so already I have gained an appreciation for Air Canada Jazz planes, which I used to think were tiny and annoying, now they seem luxurious compared to what I ride in every week.  So yes, it may take me half a day or more to get to Montreal but at least it doesn't take me several days or weeks.  I remember that and it makes me a happier traveler.  So I try to keep the complaining about delays etc. to a minimum.

However, what I WILL complain about, are airport douchebags.  To me these are the people who loudly complain about service that isn't actually that bad or the people who want everyone around them to think their life is super interesting so they talk LOUDLY about their money or "fame" or whatever.

I went to Montreal this weekend and encountered many airport douchebags.  First off, some unknown band in the Saskatoon airport all wearing sunglasses and talking loudly about their shows.  I just cringe when people wear sunglasses indoors and try to be cool in such an uncool place as the Saskatoon airport.  Dudes.  Who do you think you are?  It's freaking Saskatoon and you aren't celebs.  Take of your sunglasses and read the Star Phoenix like the rest of us.

Next, in the Tim Hortons line in the Toronto airport, a ridiculously overweight man was standing at the counter while the cashier tried to take orders, loudly complaining to his wife that the food was taking forever.  His wife nervously tried to calm him down by saying something like "now honey, there is a huge lineup and they're obviously busy" to which he loudly responded "Yeah well I don't care, I'm f---ing hungry".  Umm that's great fat slob, so is everyone else in line.  (Normally I would not bring someone's weight into this argument but he was being such a horrible jerk I feel justified in doing so.)

And finally on my way to Toronto from Montreal, I had the pleasure of sitting down next to another band, or bunch of roadies, or backup musicians or something and got to listen to them loudly discuss how Hawaii sucks, how to get frequent flyer points and which celebrities they've booked flights for on frequent flyer points, and my personal favourite sarcastic quote:  "Don't you just LOVE agents??" to which they all chuckled heartily.  Yeah agents SUCK woooooo we're famous.

On our Iceland trip we met a great example of an Airport Douchebag.  He and his girlfriend/wife/sister were on our flight from Toronto to Iceland, and then connecting on to Paris.  The flight left Toronto about half an hour late and he was loudly freaking out about them possibly missing their plane to Paris.  He called over the flight attendant and voiced these concerns, and the flight attendant informed him that he had nothing to worry about because the plane we were on was the plane going to Paris, so it couldn't leave until we got there anyway.  After she left, he continued to loudly swearingly complain about the situation because he didn't believe the flight attendant.  He clearly knew the flight schedule better than her and tried to get everyone else sitting in the area worried about missing their connecting flights.  After he finally shut up he and his girlfriend/wife/sister smacked the TV touch screens for the duration of the 5 hour flight.  Did I mention they were sitting right behind Brahm and me, so it felt like kids were kicking our seats the whole flight.  Love that guy.  I will always remember him as my favourite Airport Douchebag.

How not to be an airport douchebag:  don't try to make everyone else in the airport jealous of your life of luxury which doesn't actually exist, stop complaining about the service unless it's ACTUALLY terrible (because let's face it, you're in an airport, everyone here is making minimum wage, or you're sitting in economy, what do you expect), and remember that you're in a chair flying through the sky.  Calm down, watch your movie, drink your ginger ale and it will all be over soon enough.

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