Transformers 3 Review: Let's Get This Over With

It has been nearly a year since I watched Transformers 3:  Dark of the Moon, but because I have blogged reviews of the first two Transformers movies I need to finish this off.  Let it be known that my review of Transformers 2 is my second most popular blog post of all time, however the reason it is so popular is that people are looking for that picture of Megan Fox having sex with a motorcycle.

Here is something funny about Transformers 3:  I couldn't remember the plot, because I watched it a year ago.  That is not the funny part though.  The funny part is that I looked up the plot on Wikipedia right now and got so bored/confused reading it that I am actually worse off for plot memory than I was before I tried to read the plot summary.  OOPS that's what you get for trying to do research on a Michael Bay movie I guess!

So let's get this over with.  I don't really know much about the plot of this movie but let's just dive in.

Here is one thing I do know about this movie though:  the moon landing was actually a mission to have a look at some Decepticons and/or Transformers (I don't remember and/or care) that landed there.  They landed on the dark SIDE of the moon.  OMG, I just remembered the worst/best thing about this movie.  The TITLE is supposed to be "Dark Side of the Moon", not "Dark of the Moon", but likely due to the fact that Dark Side of the Moon is already a thing, they couldn't use it, so they just removed the word "Side" from the title and figured everyone would catch on.

But "Dark of the Moon" does NOT have the same meaning of "Dark Side of the Moon."  Not even close.  The space robots were on the dark side of the moon.  Not the dark of the moon.  That doesn't make sense!  It doesn't.

"Michael Bay!  The final edits for the movie are due in 5 minutes and it turns out we are getting sued by Pink Floyd for using Dark Side of the Moon as a title!  They said you are the worst and don't want to be associated in any way with this movie!"  

"OOPS LOL just take the one word out I guess, too late to change the dialogue so any of it makes sense!  My bad you guys! Shia, as always, excellent job of acting, this script really lets your talent shine.  I am just blown away that my 14 year old nephew wrote something this good in only half an hour!"

Okay so there were transformers on the moon, and then I think they brought them back to Earth, and then there were lots of robot fights.  That is the gist of the plot, and that's all I'm going to say about the plot because it was so boring.  Let's instead delve into some character studies.

While I applaud this movie for not being nearly as horrifically sexist as Transformers 2, Shia LeBleaghusf still somehow keeps getting these hot girlfriends who don't understand what appropriate attire is for various emergency situations.  Such as his new Australian girlfriend (I think?  Or was she British?  I can't remember but probably Australian since there was a hot blonde Australian in the first movie too and Michael Bay doesn't seem to know that there are more than 3 types of women) who thinks that when you are running away from giant space robots that you should wear stiletto heels.  Like, I am totes cool with it if you want to wear stiletto heels through life; that is your choice and while I would personally not make that choice myself, power to you.  However I just would like to say that it is a universally bad idea to wear stilettos if you are trying to run away from giant space robots.

Here are some alternate options for if you are trying to run away from giant space robots, but find yourself wearing stiletto heels:

• Take them off and run in your bare feet
• Carry the heels with you
• Throw the heels away so they don't burden you
• There are not really any other smart options.  You should take them off so you don't roll an ankle while you are running, or get the heel caught in a crack on the sidewalk.

Let's see, what else happened in this movie.  OH YEAH the other best part:  PATRICK DEMPSEY was the villain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HAHAHAHAHA oh Patrick Dempsey.  Taking a break from Made of Honor, Valentine's Day, and Gray's Anatomy to mix it up a little.

I am pretty sure Patrick Dempsey was like "YES, this is totally going to be my BREAKOUT ROLE into action!  No one will ever typecast me as a dreamy doctor again after my brilliant turn as an evil villain in the masterpiece that is Transformers 3: Dark Side of the Moon!  What's that, Michael Bay?  We're removing 'side' from the title?"

Another interesting character development is that Shia LeBeaoghfsifh is a giant loser in this movie (more so than the first two I mean).  He can't find a job and he really sucks at job interviews (he should probably have gone to a career counselor to pick up some interview tips) and he's all "Barack Obama gave me a medal of honour and all I do is whine about it!  Give me a job please because I have a car who is actually a space robot!  I will settle for nothing less than CEO!"  Ladies, we all know that if we met a guy like this we would run away and never look back.  According to the story "story" this is what Megan Fox's character (does anyone know her name?  I think we all know the answer to that question) did.  And yet somehow he has managed to enter into a serious relationship with a gorgeous, rich, successful art dealer (I think?) Australian woman who for some reason is living with him and paying his bills while he sits around in his pyjamas yammering about his medal of honour and not getting jobs.  But as evidenced by her emergency footwear choices, I guess we know how smart she really was in the end.

Well, that's about all I can remember about this terrible movie.  I also believe that it was over 3 hours long and we had to watch it on two different days because it got too late at night and too boring to watch in one sitting.  If this review seemed unstructured and all over the place, it's because that's what the movie was like too.  Watching it was like "Okay robots are fighting again, what else is new, why is that girl wearing stilettos, OMG PATRICK DEMPSEY IS A BAD GUY HAHAHAHAHA" and that is why my review was similar.

Longtime readers, I hope you have enjoyed my trilogy of Transformers reviews.  Now let us never speak of these terrible movies again.